true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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