How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
