You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
