I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
