just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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