Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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