I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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