PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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