I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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