I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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