I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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