can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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