If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
