So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
