o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
