so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
