someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
