oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
