so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
