nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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