His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
