Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
