You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
