I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
