this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
