no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
