i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
