Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
