"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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