I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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