So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
being pregnant is like rehab
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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