ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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