i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
this boner is exhausting
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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