My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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