The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
