woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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