Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
