The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
