dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
