Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
