She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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