You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
