guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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