Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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