Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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