let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
