Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
