He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
