i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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