dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
