I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
